The Roast of Matt Thompson — No One Is Safe

I debated what to say here for a while. Then I remembered the karaoke incident of 2019, the Airbnb situation in Lisbon, and the time you told everyone at Rachel's wedding you were a 'social media consultant' when you work in sales. Matt, you are a clown of the highest order and I mean that with absolute love.

In six years of our fantasy league, Matt has finished last twice, middle twice, and spent every single season convinced he was about to win. He also set his captain for the wrong week four times in a row and blamed the app. This message doesn't have a punchline. It IS the punchline.

Matt told me to be 'brutal'. So here we are. Matt, you once microwaved a fork to see what would happen. You have eaten cereal for dinner unironically, multiple times, in your thirties. You also cried at the end of Toy Story 3 and denied it for four years. I was there. I saw you. I love you so much.

Matt 'just wants to flag' things. In three years working together, Matt has flagged things an average of 9.3 times per meeting. I have the notes. I've done the maths. I didn't think I'd miss it. I was wrong. Happy birthday, Matt.